I first came to Seattle on the trail of the kidnappers of my pussycat, and for reasons that don't need exploring at this juncture I've remained, attached as liaison with the Canadian Consulate.

I got nothing against Americans, except for the times when they won the Stanley Cup. Should they win the Brier Cup, I may feel different.

My car gets 63 hogsheads to the gallon and that's the way I like it. I've succeeded in converting nearly 70 million square millimetres of the republic to the metric system; though they may be unaware of this fact, I did it all for a bag of magic beans and the love of a good woman.

I can see Chuck Norris.

I lost on Jeopardy, but won it all back on Wheel of Fortune, then lost 500 000 pounds in a crooked game of poker to a hatchet man who ran an adult film store. Sting kept his bar. When not buying stereos, I finance revolutions. I'm fluent in JavaScript as well as Klingon, I edit Wikipedia. I'm heavily involved in the world of Dawg fighting, where teams of 4 to 7 men located and then attempt to wrestle Duane Chapman. I've been hospitalized in service to the Humane Society.

I've never lost a land war in Asia.

I can hard boil an egg using only my mind. I was in part responsible for the failure of the league of nations and the success of the league of extraordinary gentlemen.

I sleep with an inflatable crocodile, to manage the population of inflatable fish and other small inflatable vertebrae in my bedroom. When I come for breakfast I've come to expect a smoked kipper, but all I have in my fridge is Sunny D and purple stuff.

I have more songs on my ipod than there are particles in the universe.

My house is safe against raptor attacks, I have a plan for the eventual zombie apocalypse and my 431 point plan is the only plan to understand the 431 points of the Internet.

Though the 50 monkeys I've rented and equipped with typewriters managed a novelization of King Lear, they were supposed to be adapting The Merry Wives of Windsor into an HBO cop drama. My cats make lolMEs.

All men count with me, but none too much, three is about right. Four shalt thou not count, neither shalt thou count two. Five is right out.

I am Jack's medula oblongotta.